Forcing Yourself to Get Back Up

I've been pretty absent for my blog for a couple of weeks. I've been having a bit of a rough time, if I'm being totally honest. Whether it's uni getting on top of me or just general stuff getting me down, I haven't felt myself and I've had many 'wobbles', to the point where I considered dropping out of uni and just giving up. It's taken me a while and I'm still not feeling too great but I've managed to straighten my head out a little and put things in some perspective. I managed to pick myself up, rather, I forced myself to get back up. So I thought I'd try and maybe give some 'advice' about what works for me when I'm having a rough time.

Don't be afraid to receive help. This has been such a tough thing for me. I'm a hugely independent person and hate the thought of being a burden to anyone else. But after a lot of deliberation and having to force myself to accept help, I strongly advise anyone who's feeling overwhelmed or worried or stressed to embrace any kind of support you can. I'm getting some extra support from university and stuff and as stupid and time-wasting I felt at the time, I soon realised that it was the right thing to do and that a lot of other people do it too! So basically, whether it's going to a family member, friend, doctor, teacher or just anyone who can help, I really recommend it, because it does take a huge strain off.  And also, if you do see a doctor, you may find out that there is something that causes you to feel this way, such as depression, anxiety etc. which isn't your fault and then you can get the suitable help to make things feel better.

Keep yourself focused and busy. This might not help all people but for me it has really helped to have something to focus on and keep my mind busy with. So I'm getting a head start on my university work and I'm also doing a lot of volunteering with charities, Scouting and school. I just want to keep my head down and not let myself have the time to dwell on the stuff that gets me down. I'm notorious for letting myself overthink and let myself become sort of overwhelmed by things that make me stressed, panicked or upset. So, I'm trying to not let myself have the time to do that!

Accept that things aren't ever going to be perfect. Okay, so this doesn't seem like a positive thing to do, I know that, but it's realistic. There is always going to be something in your life that isn't the way you want it, be that your grades, your job, your friends, your relationship, whatever. It doesn't mean that you should be unhappy all because your life isn't this 'picture perfect' situation. I'm a serious perfectionist and want things to be a certain way all the time, but I'm learning to accept that sometimes things just happen and you can't do anything about it.

Do what you want to do and follow your heart. I place emphasis on the you in this, because at the end of the day you do only have one life and to spend it doing things you don't want to do is such a waste. You can't spend your life doing things to please other people or because it's considered the right thing to do. If you want to go to uni, or to get a job, or to travel, or to get married, or to have kids, just do it. Do what makes you happy and try your best not to think of what others may have to say about it. As I've said before, the thought of looking back in however many years and regretting the life I have terrifies me, so I want to do things I'm proud of and can remember fondly.

Let go of people who don't benefit your life. We all grow out of friendships and relationships and we shouldn't be afraid to admit that. If you've been there for someone all of the time and try so hard with them yet you receive nothing back then it's okay to say 'you know what, I'm not trying anymore.' If you're going through a rough time then the last thing you need is people who no longer serve you or support you in your life. All kinds of relationships work two ways, and if that no longer applies then you have the right to walk away. Do what's best for you.

I'm no advice guru and I only have my own personal experiences to draw on from my short 20 years of life, but if this can help even one person then that's enough for me. I just want people to know they aren't alone and that it's okay to admit that you aren't okay. As I've mentioned before, I'm always happy to chat to anyone if they want to send me a message or whatever. If I can help, I will. I'm hoping things will start to look up now, it's a slow process but I'm trying.

Love,

Emma x

Loving Yourself

Okay, so a little background before I get into the main reason I was inspired to write this post. Basically, I'm one of those people that kind of struggles to 'love myself'. I'm a perfectionist, I like everything to be spot on with no flaws whatsoever. That obviously comes as a problem in life, because things aren't always perfect, least of all ourselves. There will always be that hair out of place, or spot on your face (unintentional rhyming..), or that bit of chub where you wish there wasn't a bit of chub. We can all relate to that, I'm sure. The biggest struggle I've had is accepting that these 'flaws' are actually part of me and instead of disregarding them as imperfections and faults I should actually embrace them and say to myself 'you know what, no one is perfect, least of all myself, and that's okay.' Because after all, it is okay, no matter what anyone may say.

By saying that I struggle to love myself doesn't mean that I spend every single day hating every single aspect of myself. That isn't true. I may not necessarily like certain parts of myself, but that changes day to day. Some days you feel good about yourself, others you don't, that's just life. I'm certain that applies to most, if not every, person. 'Selfies' are big problems in regards to this. Just because you take pictures of yourself and post them on social media doesn't mean you think you're drop dead gorgeous. For all you know that person could have spent ages taking and editing photos to get one they're happy with, I know a close friend of mine does that, and even then she might not even upload them. Just because someone posts photos of themselves doesn't mean they don't have insecurities or aren't self conscious about aspects of themselves. Whether they do or not, it should be considered admirable that they have had the confidence to post a picture of themselves, despite whatever problems they might have with their appearance. And let's face it, they are a confidence boost more than anything. If you get likes or positive comments on pictures of yourself you are obviously going to feel better about yourself, and even though you really shouldn't base how you feel about yourself upon what others think of you, we all do. But I am a strong believer that we should still try and love ourselves regardless of our flaws and regardless of what others think of us.

Now, on to the reason I wrote this post. I was scrolling through Instagram in my half asleep state this morning in bed and was pleasantly surprised by a post that one of my friends from school wrote. This was the post:

I spoke to Laura and asked if I could use this, and her Instagram name is up there so go give her a follow, she posts a lot of good stuff, especially if you're trying to get fit! Laura is a seriously beautiful girl, anyone can tell you that, and it is such a breath of fresh air to see someone embracing the idea that you should love yourself and only change yourself based on that self love. Having known Laura for 16 years I know that she hasn't always viewed things that way and seeing this was such a motivating and inspiring experience. As she said to me, going to the gym clears her mind and consequently makes her feel better inside and out. I think that is an amazing way to look at exercise and getting fit and healthy. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Do it because you love yourself and because it makes you happy. Not because someone called you fat, or because someone said you're ugly or unmotivated or not good enough. Reading this made me realise that if you love yourself then what anyone else thinks of you is irrelevant, it's background noise. 

The fact that someone, no matter how long it may take, is actively realising that the only way to be truly happy is by embracing your 'flaws' is amazing! I could definitely learn a thing or two from this way of looking at yourself and I think many other people could too, and that's why I wanted to share it. Too many people, including myself and no doubt Laura, have spent too much time picking at ourselves and covering up the things we dislike about ourselves. It isn't easy, by any means, but I really do agree with Laura and I think that we should all try to love ourselves, inside and out.

Thank you Laura!

Love,

Emma x

Anxiety

So after my insecurities post I had a lot of people message me about how they could relate, and then yesterday I had a really anxious day and so wanted to sort of ramble about how that affects me and then if anyone else feels the same then they can know they aren't alone and can always message me or whatever!

At the minute I have quite a lot going on, I feel like my life is going at 100 miles an hour and there's just no way to stop it. I don't feel entirely in control of my life, if that makes any sense. Which really makes me feel anxious. I'm one of those people who has to know what's going to happen and when, I need to be in total control of everything and know all of the details about things and how/when they will happen. If not, I start to panic. I really struggle to do things spontaneously because I over analyse everything. Literally, everything. Like tiny things, like when I should go to the bathroom, or where I should sit in class, or if I should text someone, or what time I should get in bed. It is that ridiculous.

I get all of these anxious feelings when I'm doing new things or planning things or doing spontaneous things. I start to feel all panicky and stressed and I can't think properly. I have to lay things out properly in my mind, like the order in which I'm going to do things in the day. Like today, I know I'm going to get up and ready, go to uni, then meet my friend after uni for food and then come home. And that's fine, but if anything suddenly changes or if say my uni room changed I'd just panic. I had an options meeting at uni the other day and it was in a room and building I'd never been in or heard of so I immediately decided I couldn't go. It makes me feel so stupid and petty but I'd rather miss things than go through the stress of it. Being around a lot of new people gets me panicking too, I feel so claustrophobic and alone and it does prevent me from doing things that would mean I'm out of my comfort zone.

I don't know exactly why I'm this way, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, but it really frustrates me, I feel like it does hold me back at times. I feel like if I could be more spontaneous that life would be way easier and that I would have done way more with my life by now and taken part it many more things. Knowing that gets me really annoyed at myself but I don't really know what to do about it. I have improved, I'd never do anything by myself a few years ago, so going to uni alone was a huge step for me. I'd never go to shops alone or anything like that so now that I can do that (admittedly with a lot of panicking and anxiety) it's a big step!

So basically, that's another part of me poured out on here! I don't know if I sound like a complete nutter or if other people feel the same, but it's just been something affecting me slightly more than usual recently so I thought I'd just have a ramble. Like I said, if anyone feels the same and wants a chat, feel free to message me!

Love,
Emma x

Insecurities

Yet again it's late at night and my brain is overthinking rapidly and about a hundred things are whirring round my brain at once. I've been thinking about the things that impact my life most and what holds me back. I came to the conclusion that the one thing that restricts me more than anything else is my insecurities.

I'm not sure when I became so insecure if I'm honest, but now I can't do anything without considering what other people might think of me and how I'll be perceived by others. From the tiniest of things to the biggest of things. Should I eat this chocolate bar? What if people think I'm fat. Should I wear this dress? What if people think I'm a slag. Should I go to uni? What if I fail. Should I tell this person how I feel? They'll probably just reject me. Just a few examples of the thoughts that consume my mind constantly. It really frustrates me that I don't feel comfortable being myself because I'm so caught up in what other people might think. This blog for example, it took me ages to actually start it up because I repeatedly knocked myself back with terrifying thoughts of judgment and torment from others. I have no idea why I care so much what other people think, I suppose I just lack in confidence.

I also don't really like myself that much. I'm not sure if that makes sense or how many other people feel the same about themsekves, but I really don't. I could sit for hours and pick at every single one of my flaws, be it my appearance or personality. I constantly want to change aspects of myself and be a better version of who I am now. I want to hold all of the admirable traits of personality and to have all of the beauty. But it just isn't realistic. What frustrates me most is that once I feel slightly more comfortable with a certain part of me, something always seems to come along and knock it back. Or things grt brought up that I'd never even thought of before. Like I once got told I have an ugly laugh and someone else agreed, and now I often catch myself mid-laugh and think of that moment and instantly stop laughing. I can't even laugh without feeling insecure, how ridiculous is that?

See, I know how ridiculous I'm being, but it doesn't change a thing. I still don't feel comfortable or confident in myself. All I want is to feel content with who I am and how I look. I just want to feel like I can walk into a room of strangers without thinking that they're ripping me to pieces in their head. I suppose I'm really writing this in the hopes that one day I can look back and know that I am content with myself and be glad that this is in the past. But right now I see no end to it. I just overthink and overthink and overthink. It's draining, it really is. I imagine other people feel this way too, so just know you aren't alone! Fingers crossed I can change this crippling part of myself somehow... Wish me luck.

Love,
Emma x

Being Selfish

I think one of the things I've found hardest about 'growing up' is knowing that at times I have to ultimately be selfish and do what's best for me. All through life we're told to treat others as we would like to be treated and to be kind to others and make them feel good. But what if we spend too much time concentrating on trying to please everyone else and end up feeling unsatisfied ourselves? That's kind of how I've felt over the past year.

As I mentioned in my fears post, I am really scared of looking back and regretting not doing things whilst I had the chance. I'm scared that I'm going to look back and realise I've spent too much time doing things to make other people happy rather than myself. I understand now that a lot of the unhappiness I've experienced has been due to the fact that I've been disregarding the importance of my own desires. It is impossible to please everybody. No matter what someone always seems to have a complaint or something to criticise you for. My answer to that as of late has been that if you can't please everybody you might as well please yourself.

I consider myself an ambitious person. I have a busy life at the best of times with all of the things I keep myself occupied with. I want to go far in life, I want to help people, I want to travel, I want to experience so many things and feel satisfied with what I have achieved in life. I know for a fact I'll be devastated if in 20 years I look back and I'm still stuck in Rossendale valley and haven't done anything I want to. That's why I kind of feel like I need to seize the day and do what is right for me.

Yet I constantly come back to the fact that it makes me feel selfish. Disregarding other people's feelings in favour of my own is something that makes me feel uncomfortable, despite knowing sometimes it has to be done. I really want to make something of myself, I want to be proud of myself. Right now, I can't say I'm overly proud of anything I've achieved. Maybe my self expectations are too high and I know for a fact that I am the biggest critic of myself out of anyone, but that's for another post. I just want to feel satisfied with my life. Is that so much to ask for?

I didn't really mean for this to turn into a negative post, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it all confuses me so much. I thought writing it down might make it a bit clearer for me, but it probably just seems like a load of meaningless nonsense. I don't know. I'll try and write a better post next time.

Love,
Emma x

What Scouting Means To Me

I decided that following yesterdays slightly negative post, I would come back today looking at something positively instead. I know I've banged on about Scouting before and a lot of people probably don't care, don't know about it and really don't have an interest in it. But for the people that do care about Scouting, I think this post will be very easy to relate to.

So, what does Scouting mean to me? I think the short answer would be quite simply: everything. It sounds ridiculous but I'm certain that Scouting is literally in my DNA, so many of my family are involved in it and I grew up entirely surrounded by it, I had no chance of escape, it was predetermined for me! My parents are Beaver Scout Leaders and so my twin brother and I were often dragged along to the meetings in our little car seats to be watched over by 38th's founder Ernie whilst they led the meeting. Here's proof:

When I was growing up Scouting was a second family to me. It was a place to make friends, have fun and experience things I'd never have done otherwise. For example, the centenary camp at Bowley, where tonnes of Scouters camped and there were shows and all sorts happening, it was incredible. World Scout Jamborees are also something indescribable that Scouting does, where Scouts from all over the world meet in a different country every 4 years. My brother was lucky enough to go to one in Sweden, and this year some of the young members from the 38th are actually going to Japan. It's crazy, it really is. Scouting has let me experience so many things like gliding, real rock climbing, camps, amazing activity camps in France, meeting Bear Grylls, taking part in a show and even going to Disneyland Paris! I am incredibly lucky to have been born into a family that introduced me to this amazing organisation and I am even luckier to have the pleasure of being a leader within it.

Me and my brother as Beavers with the current Chief Scout

Now I'm 'grown up', Scouting has a completely different meaning to me. Yes, it is all about fun, friends and experience, but now it's primarily focused on making young people feel the same passion and enthusiasm that I do about Scouting. If, by my role in Scouting, I can make a difference in any child's life then that is more than enough of a reason to continue with it, in my eyes. I have witnessed all sorts of children pass through Scouting, people who have troubled home lives, people who don't live with their family, people who have illnesses and daily struggles, or just 'ordinary' people. Some of the young people that attend a weekly meeting with us need that break from the stuff going on at home, to just be young and have fun with no worries. If we can provide someone with a little bit of happiness then that is what it's all about.

Words cannot describe the proud feeling you experience when you get to watch someone grow through Scouting. For example, someone who may have originally caused trouble or been angry and aggressive a lot of the time who is now funny, pleasant and actually enjoyable to have around is such a rewarding thing to witness. To give people that opportunity to change themselves, to overcome fears, to learn morals and to be proud of who they are and what they do is amazing and I am incredibly thankful for that privilege. Scouting has been deemed 'geeky' and 'boring' and 'boyish' by the small minded people in society, yet if you give it a chance and really experience the things it offers, you'll understand that it is the complete opposite. I wish when people at school picked on me for being a Scout I turned around and told them that they were wrong. I should have been as proud to be part of it then as I am now and I hope that the young people I see on a weekly basis are proud to be part of Scouting too.

As I said before, to be part of Scouting is like being part of a huge family. It can be difficult, trying and incredibly exhausting. I will admit, there have been times where I've wondered 'why do I do this?' and wanted to give it up. What most people don't realise is my work for Scouting, alongside thousands of others, is entirely voluntary. I don't get paid for the hours I spend a week running meetings, preparing activities or planning events. I do it because I want to make a difference to people's lives. In relation to it being like a family, you form bonds with people you work with and I am sure that anyone who has been part of the 38th can vouch for that, and agree that when sadly members pass away or leave that we are all affected by it. 

The fact that I, as a 20 year old Leader, am part of the future of Scouting is an honour. I take it seriously and I want to be one of the many people that ensure Scouting remains such a widely loved and appreciated movement. I have no doubt that it will be part of my life forever, in one way or another, and I embrace that idea with all of my being. Out of everything I have done in my life so far, I can safely say that this is the one thing I am truly proud of. I know for certain that I will never regret my time spent on Scouting and I hope this might help some people understand just why I am so dedicated to it.

Love,

Emma x

Fears

Sorry I haven't posted in over a week, I've been up to my eyeballs in uni work and then being ill, it's just been a nightmare! This is the first time I've been able to just sit down and do nothing (and I've only allowed myself that because I just finished a book for uni!)

What with all of the pressure of deadlines and trying to fit everything in, I've been thinking a lot about how stressful it all is. And then it got me thinking about how there has to be more to life than constantly trying to squeeze things into those 24 hours we have in a day. When do we get to just enjoy life? Then it led me to thinking about my fears, and how they seem to become more and more relevant as I grow older. 

Possibly my biggest fear is the idea that one day I might potentially look back on my life and regret not doing more with it. I already feel that way and I'm only 20. I know people my age who have traveled to amazing parts of the world, or are already working in their dream job. I don't feel like I've achieved anything to be proud of, nothing that stands out, nothing that anyone would remember. That is terrifying to me. I want to do something with my life. I don't want to follow the whole school, sixth form, uni, job, family etc. routine, I want to be free and have experiences that will mold me as a person and help me learn about myself and life. Yet, here I am, studying for a degree that I can't say I particularly enjoy, working part time and trying to keep on top of the ridiculous amounts of work I have to do. I already feel as though I regret it and I'm not even finished with it! Yes, I'll have a degree but is that worth the three years of stress, anxiety and doubt? I question this as though I'll even consider dropping out, which I won't, because what else would I do if I did? I suppose what I'm saying is I feel trapped.

I suppose my main reason for writing this is so that if someone reads it and feels like they can relate, then they won't feel as alone. And if that is the case, then I don't feel quite as alone. People say that university is the best time of a person's life but I really don't understand why. The majority of the time I feel isolated, lonely and stressed. I fear that this is what the rest of my life will consist of. I just want to feel proud of my achievements, feel like I've done something with a purpose and that I have helped people. That's all I really want to do in life, help others. Be it through Scouting, teaching, whatever. I don't know.. It's all very overwhelming to me right now.

I apologise that this couldn't be more of a positive post, but I want this blog to express my thoughts and right now this is what is taking up a lot of space in my little brain!

Love,

Emma x

'People throw rocks at things that shine...'

This week, alongside many other people, I watched the Channel 4 thriller 'Cyberbully'. If you haven't seen it, I really recommend you do. It portrays the story of a teenage girl experiencing her computer being hacked into and being cyberbullied, however, there's a lot more to it than that. I won't spoil it for you. However, I will say that it really made me think and as a result I felt angry and disgusted at how we all treat one another. I'm not saying that I'm the perfect person and never say a hurtful comment about anyone, because that just wouldn't be true. I will admit that I am an extremely blunt person, I say it as it is and have strong opinions about things. But, I would never say something to intentionally hurt someone or belittle them out of spite or just to make them feel small.

In relation to cyberbullying, I think it's an issue that a lot of people experience. There isn't a single day pass by without seeing some form of argument or conflict on social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter. People writing indirect status' or tweets in order to express their anger with someone else. Everyone does it. But not everyone thinks before they type. Teenagers can be especially harsh.

When I was in high school I was victim of online bullying, as well as real life bullying. I know that most people experience this nowadays, which is a horrifying concept, and people say 'it's just part of growing up'. Well, that may be, but I still remember the comments that were made to me vividly. I'm still incredibly self conscious of my eyes because of the people that repeatedly said I had 'fish eyes' or 'frog eyes' because they're big. Whenever anyone makes a comment on my eyes such as 'they're so big' my heart immediately sinks and I feel embarrassed because I take it as an insult, whether it was intended to be or not. If someone compliments my eyes I can't believe them because all my mind says is 'well what about the bullies and what they said?' How sad is that? 20 years old, left high school nearly 4 years ago, and I still get bothered by the things bullies said to me. I can deal with that, no, I won't get over it, but I don't have to listen to it anymore. What terrifies me most is the fact that people like my little cousins are/have started high school and they might have to or might already be facing this awful experience that may impact them for the rest of their lives.

It isn't a secret that so many young people commit suicide as a result of bullying. I know of people who have done it, people I went to school with. And I can totally believe it and understand why people do it. Why would anyone want to get up in the morning and drag themselves to school, work, anywhere to be the subject of abuse and be so dehumanised that you feel worthless? So many people don't understand and so many people aren't willing to try and understand. Yes, it is true that criticism is a part of life that we have to endure and have to embrace and learn from, but there is a difference between criticism and bullying.

I don't want this post to be all doom and gloom, because all it does is get people angry and get people ranting about how they 'hate bullies' etc. Yes, feel angry by all means, but do something about it. If you see someone getting bullied, try your best to help stop it, whether that means telling a teacher, manager, parent, whoever. Don't sit back and watch people be dragged down by others. And in regards to the bullies, they're cowards. The chances are they too are facing problems and insecurities that they fight against by inflicting their pain upon other people. Don't disregard them as wastes of time, because the chances are there is more than meets the eye. Don't become a bully yourself out of fear of standing out, if you're trying to fit in with people that bully people then you really should reconsider your self worth.

As the title of this post says: 'People throw rocks at things that shine.' This is a quote from a Taylor Swift song called Ours. This particular line means so much to me because it's so true. People will do anything to bring down people that stand out, that they are jealous of, that stay true to themselves. If you are/have been bullied, as tough as it may be, take it as a compliment. To the people that bullied me (although I highly doubt they'll be reading this): Thank you. You may have caused insecurities that might not go away, but you have made me a much stronger person. You made me realise I am worth so much more than your petty comments and I don't need the approval of people that are completely irrelevant in my life to feel good about myself.

It isn't something that will ever be easily resolved. But if we all make a promise to ourselves to try our best not to belittle people or hurt people intentionally through acts of jealousy or spitefulness then surely bullying won't be as big an issue. No one is born a bully. We all make that decision ourselves about how to treat people. Make the right decision.

Love,
Emma x

Invisible Illnesses

Pre-warning: This post is going to be a long one and isn't for those with a faint heart, but I'd really appreciate if people read it!

Today I decided to make a post about something very close to my heart. As shown by the title of this blog, I want to talk about invisible illnesses. I'll make it clear now, I think that awareness about any form of illness is incredibly important, but I do have reservations about the fact that some illnesses are more often than not ignored or disregarded as 'serious' because they aren't visible to the naked eye. For instance, I know many people who suffer with invisible illnesses such as Depression or Diabetes and I know that these conditions aren't looked upon the same way as others all due to the ignorance of people and their inability to see past what appears to be a 'normal' person. I could ramble all day about the different forms of hidden illnesses but I just want to touch upon a few that I have experienced personally and feel extremely strongly about. I want to raise any awareness possible because I don't think people get the credit they deserve for dealing with these things.

Firstly, I'm going to touch briefly upon a condition that I was diagnosed with about three years ago now, and luckily do not suffer from anymore, named Hyperthyroidism (also known as an Overactive Thyroid). This was also entwined with Grave's Disease for me. About 99% of people that find out I had this condition had never heard of it and didn't have a clue what it entailed, so to avoid that confusion I'll just paste a little definition of what it is and what it consists of:

'Overactive thyroid (also known as hyperthyroidism) is a relatively common hormonal condition that occurs when there is too much thyroid hormone in the body.

Excess levels of thyroid hormones can then speed up the body’s metabolism, triggering a range of symptoms, such as:

• hyperactivity
• mood swings – such as anxiety, irritability and nervousness
• difficulty sleeping (insomnia)
• feeling tired all the time (fatigue)
• muscle weakness
• unexplained or unexpected weight loss'

I also experienced other signs of it like constantly shaky hands. What really surprises me is that the page clearly stages 'relatively common hormonal condition', yet as I said before, barely anyone had even heard of this let alone knew what it was! Now take these symptoms and the fact no one understands it then try and get people to realise that you aren't just a stroppy, lazy teenager but are in fact struggling to get your hormones balanced at the right level. As I said, I'm recovered now thankfully, but I can't explain how unwell I felt during the time I suffered this. 

Now, on to the main reason I wrote this blog. Arthritis. 

'Arthritis is a long-term condition that causes pain, swelling and stiffness in the joints.' 

This one is more commonly known, but despite people knowing about it, it appears that not many understand the seriousness of it. Most people automatically associate it with elderly people, but that really is not the case. I have personal experiences of this due to the fact that around the same time as being diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism I was also diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. I don't really feel the need to go into much detail apart from to mention that I am in pain quite often and currently take 6 pills a day to try and keep it under control. It does stop me from being able to do 'normal' things such as bowling with friends or doing much physical activity. I remember once before I had it more under control that my friend high-fived me and it caused that much pain to me that I burst into tears. Not fun for a teenager, or anyone for that matter.

Before I was diagnosed with that, I was fully aware of Arthritis and all it entails because of my incredible Mum who was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when she was in her early teens. She is literally the most astounding woman I know, hands down. Here is a picture of us both:

To look at her you wouldn't think anything was wrong at all. You wouldn't think that she goes for treatment every 3 weeks for her condition or that she struggles every single day. Mainly because she wouldn't let you know, she's incredibly stubborn and independent! (Must be where I get it from..) You wouldn't know that she has had her right wrist fused, her left ankle pinned, both knees replaced, her right elbow replaced and her shoulder operated on. All because of Arthritis. She is quite literally one step away from being cast in the next Transformers film.

Here is a picture of her after her most recent knee replacement:

She is such a trooper. She works two jobs, she is a Group Scout Leader for 38th Rossendale Scout Group, she has her own charity that she runs with her friends to raise money for underprivileged children in Rossendale named 'Kids in Rossendale'. She is a very hands on person despite the constant pain and struggle. In September she has an elbow replacement, by far the most complicated and difficult operation she has had yet. Here is a picture of her arm afterwards:

She's crazy though. She was home the day after the surgery and before we knew it she was well enough to drive again and off she went for a well deserved holiday with my Dad to Tunisia. All was well until the day she returned home when she got on the coach to return to the airport funny and ended up breaking her arm above the replacement. She then traveled home (yes, she endured a 40 minute coach journey, a wait in the airport, a 3 hour flight and then a 40 minute car journey from the airport to the hospital) with a broken arm. I told you she's crazy. Here is a picture of the break (you can also see her elbow replacement):

So there you go. That brings us to today. She has been out of action (ish) since September. She has to have help getting dressed, cutting up food, doing her hair, everything. We have all been hands on in our house doing all of the things she normally does. It really makes you realise how much you take your parents for granted. I think I probably do appreciate my mum and what she does for me more than most because I know just how difficult it is for her. When people write thoughtless tweets or status' saying how they 'hate their parents' for petty reasons it really grinds my gears, because they have no idea how lucky they are. 

My mum absolutely despises her condition. She hates the fact that she has to rely on others to help her, it makes her think she's a failure and useless. I want to make it very clear that she is the complete opposite. I'd never change her, she is the most inspirational and special person I know! I'm not the only one who thinks this, she got nominated in 2014 for the Rossendale Hospice Woman of the Year award, and of course she won!

So, there you go, a little insight to a couple of invisible illnesses and just how much they really do affect a person's life. I hope that anyone reading this takes note of the fact that the saying 'don't judge a book by it's cover' means so much more to some people than you could ever imagine. I also really hope that people do start to raise awareness and become more informed about conditions such as Arthritis, Hyperthyroidism, Depression and Diabetes because they are more common than people know. When you see someone pulling into a Disabled car parking spot and they don't 'look disabled' to you, don't tut or pull your face, be open minded, be aware that some conditions are more obvious than others. Please, please, please, take a minute to think of those who suffer and need your support just as much as anyone else.

Thanks for reading,

Emma x

My wonderful family.

The Future

The future is a daunting prospect for anyone and everyone, in my opinion. I find it funny how the older I've got get the less I've looked ahead and the more I've started focusing on now. That isn't because I haven't wanted to dream about the future and exciting things that could happen to me, but because it's been flat out made clear by society that in this life you are only capable of so much depending on where you come from, what your knowledge is and how much money you have.

When you're 4 and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up and you respond with some crazy ambition that is never going to happen you genuinely think that you can be that thing. As you get older and the same question is asked to you it becomes more and more apparent that your dreams aren't actually that achievable. That isn't to say that you won't grow up to be a singer, actor, astronaut, whatever, because some people do! What really baffles me is the fact that for the majority of us, we give up on the big dreams and accept they won't happen. But why? Because they might be tough? Because we aren't clever enough, rich enough, popular enough? It's crazy to me that these factors actually stop us from aiming high.

I saw this video yesterday on Facebook and it genuinely moved me and left me dumbfounded with how horrifyingly accurate it was. Here is the link: The Video. The reality that in school, work, society in general we are judged on our ability to do things under a strict criteria is disgusting to me. The thing is, society looks down on teenagers who don't achieve certain grades or do certain things, but only just leaving my teens myself I can see exactly why these people give up trying. Why would you try your hardest only to be told your best isn't good enough? This has happened to me personally. I am horrible at maths and found it so difficult in high school, yet with the help of a fantastic teacher I managed to get my GCSE Maths grade from a low C to one mark off an A. I was thrilled, I couldn't believe it! Yeah, I was gutted I hadn't got that A but to be so close was something I never expected. That euphoria lasted all of 10 minutes as I was then bundled into a room with a group of other people who hadn't achieved A's and we were told 'you may be happy with your grades, but it isn't good enough, you must resit and try and do better. If you don't want to, then tough.' 

To say I was furious is an understatement. And like so many of the people society shuns I gave up. I refused to do any work in lessons, my new teacher had to beg me to do 'just two questions'. I went into this ridiculous resit that my school had pointlessly paid for and answered about 3 questions on each paper and sat there daydreaming for the rest of the time. It's safe to say I didn't get an A, and I quite frankly didn't and still don't care. It astounds me that people are so damn concerned with figures on a chart that they forget about the individuals who are affected by the pressure they are placed under, all so schools, universities, work places look 'better'.

Grades aren't everything, it's as simple as that. My brother, sorry Oliver, is not academic in the slightest. He dragged himself through GCSE's and A Levels and came out with underwhelming grades and yet he has a job doing what he wants to do and couldn't be happier. How did he do that? Determination, passion and self belief. Grades aren't everything.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be an English teacher. I still want to do that. I want to be the teacher that doesn't belittle their students for not being as clever as someone else, I want to give my students hope and make sure they know that their best is good enough. We are all unique, we all have different talents and skills and some of them can't be defined by a letter on a piece of paper. I don't know who reads this, or if anyone will, but I want those that do to know that you are good enough and you do have the ability to achieve your dreams. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If someone tells you you can't do something, you should fight even hard to do it. The only thing limiting you is yourself and if you truly want something who the hell has the right to tell you otherwise?

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a ranty post, and I understand people may not agree and that is absolutely fine. But basically, the point is, don't let anyone make you feel less than you are, you can do anything you set your mind to and just think of that moment when you can turn around to those people who put you down and say 'see, I told you I could do it.'

Stay true to yourself,
Emma x

Things I am thankful for...

Hey!

In relation to my 'positive thinking' for 2015, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on the things I am thankful for in my life. Let me tell you, there is a lot of things I am so thankful for. But I thought I would just pop a few things down, and if I ever feel like I need a boost I can read this post and it will remind me of why I should be happy!

Friends & Family

This one is something I am incredibly lucky with. I have a wonderful family, I live with my twin brother, my mum and dad and our two beautiful dogs Shadow and Buzz. Buzz is my puppy and he never fails to make me smile. I have a huge family, so many aunties, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and it is so lovely always having someone to go to if I need anything. My parents are so supportive of anything I want to do and always have been, I think they're the main reason I'm so determined and headstrong. My brother is an absolute idiot, but we get on really well and he really is the better half of me! I don't know what I'd do without him.

Buzz

Shadow & Buzz

As for friends, well, mine are the best. I have a few of close girl friends that are consistently there for me and always brighten my day. I also have a giant group of friends, about 20 of us, and they are like a huge, dysfunctional family. I literally love them all so much and they're so much fun to be around! They accepted me into their 'group' about 4 years ago now and they're just wonderful.

The 'family'

Books

Yes, that sounds so geeky.. But I'm currently in my second year of doing an English and American Literature degree and I have been obsessed with reading for as long as I can remember. There aren't any words to describe the feeling of getting lost in another world for a while, and I just love it. I have so much admiration for writers, I wish I had the skill they have!

The 'Little' Things

By this, I mean the things we take for granted, that we count as normal yet for some people they just don't exist. For instance, a house to live in, food on the table, money in the bank. The freedom to say and do what I want, for the most part. The right to education and to have the opportunity to learn and develop myself. The things that we don't even give a second thought, yet we really should. No, I don't often think myself lucky for these things, I'm the same as everyone else and don't focus on it much, but I suppose I should!

Scouting

As I mentioned in my last post, Scouting has always been a huge part of my life and I am so thankful for it. I am now a Cub Scout Leader and there is nothing more satisfying that seeing a group of 8-10 year olds having fun and being happy as a result of the voluntary work I do. I want to be a teacher one day, and quite honestly the time I spend Scouting reminds me exactly why I want to do it. It really is such a rewarding hobby and it is as important to me as a job. In some ways I feel it's more important than a job because it's voluntary and so I am making a conscious decision to work for these children and to do the best I can for them. 

Me in Disneyland Paris on a Scout trip

Me and Bear Grylls

So, there you go, a few things that make me happy and I am very thankful for! I have to say I'm probably more lucky than most, I basically have three families! My blood relatives, my friend family and my Scouting family. Not many people can say that! I'm now in an extra good mood after writing this.

Emma x

New year, new me?

First things first, my name is Emma, I'm 20 years old and I'm from a small town near Manchester.

Okay, so I am completely aware that the whole 'new year, new me' thing is a load of rubbish. No, just because we write a different number for the date does not mean I am a new person who can completely restart my life. However, there is something somewhat hopeful about a new year, hence the reason I started this blog, and hence the name of my blog. I won't go into the boring details of the crappy year I just experienced, because I want to focus on the wonderful year that hopefully lays ahead of me. The way I see it, whether you decide you want to turn your life around on January 1st, or April 21st, or September 15th, it's a pretty exciting and refreshing feeling. Quite simply, I refuse to have a year like 2014, in which I spent far too much time dwelling on the negatives rather than focusing on the positives. I am a very privileged person, in that I have great friends and family surrounding me, I'm studying at university, I have a part time job. I need to learn to appreciate that more.

So, here we go, I'm going to do the oh so cliche thing of writing my New Years Resolutions down. Now, I have refused to make any for the past couple of years, because I thought 'well I'll never achieve them anyway', and thinking about it now, that is exactly where I was going wrong. And so this year, I'm going to make resolutions, and I'm going to try my best to keep them!

1. To be a better person

I'm aware that this is an extremely broad concept, and I know you can't just turn around and say 'yeah I'm going to be better than I am now' because it just doesn't happen like that. But, I know for a fact that in 2014 I didn't treat some people the way I should have, and at times I was a pretty unpleasant person to know and be around. I want to be more selfless this year, yet I want to be aware of the fact that I can't sacrifice my own happiness to please everyone else. It's all about balance, and that is something I want to do better this year.

2. To be a more positive person

I am most definitely a glass half empty kind of girl, and it has become clear to me that being that way really isn't the most beneficial of attitudes.. Let's face it, if you always look at the things negatively then you are never going to feel positive about things! If something is hard I need to stop thinking 'it's too difficult, I give up' and think 'how can I get around this issue?' This also ties in with number 1, as being more positive will make me a better person!

3. To work hard

This applies to many things. To work in general. To university, which I admittedly do not enjoy very much, yet I want to succeed in it and therefore I need to get my head down and focus (let's ignore the massive pile of work I am currently avoiding..). It also applies to Scouting, an organisation I have been involved with for all of my life, but this year I am taking on new roles, taking on new adventures and hopefully I can be part of that all important change in the development of Scouting!

I think 3 resolutions is plenty to work on, especially when they're as broad as mine. I don't want to overwhelm myself with ridiculous and unrealistic goals that I will simply be disappointed in and give up on. So, I think I'm pretty satisfied with what I have come up with, and I suppose we shall see what the year brings.

Here's to 2015!

Emma x