Fears

Sorry I haven't posted in over a week, I've been up to my eyeballs in uni work and then being ill, it's just been a nightmare! This is the first time I've been able to just sit down and do nothing (and I've only allowed myself that because I just finished a book for uni!)

What with all of the pressure of deadlines and trying to fit everything in, I've been thinking a lot about how stressful it all is. And then it got me thinking about how there has to be more to life than constantly trying to squeeze things into those 24 hours we have in a day. When do we get to just enjoy life? Then it led me to thinking about my fears, and how they seem to become more and more relevant as I grow older. 

Possibly my biggest fear is the idea that one day I might potentially look back on my life and regret not doing more with it. I already feel that way and I'm only 20. I know people my age who have traveled to amazing parts of the world, or are already working in their dream job. I don't feel like I've achieved anything to be proud of, nothing that stands out, nothing that anyone would remember. That is terrifying to me. I want to do something with my life. I don't want to follow the whole school, sixth form, uni, job, family etc. routine, I want to be free and have experiences that will mold me as a person and help me learn about myself and life. Yet, here I am, studying for a degree that I can't say I particularly enjoy, working part time and trying to keep on top of the ridiculous amounts of work I have to do. I already feel as though I regret it and I'm not even finished with it! Yes, I'll have a degree but is that worth the three years of stress, anxiety and doubt? I question this as though I'll even consider dropping out, which I won't, because what else would I do if I did? I suppose what I'm saying is I feel trapped.

I suppose my main reason for writing this is so that if someone reads it and feels like they can relate, then they won't feel as alone. And if that is the case, then I don't feel quite as alone. People say that university is the best time of a person's life but I really don't understand why. The majority of the time I feel isolated, lonely and stressed. I fear that this is what the rest of my life will consist of. I just want to feel proud of my achievements, feel like I've done something with a purpose and that I have helped people. That's all I really want to do in life, help others. Be it through Scouting, teaching, whatever. I don't know.. It's all very overwhelming to me right now.

I apologise that this couldn't be more of a positive post, but I want this blog to express my thoughts and right now this is what is taking up a lot of space in my little brain!

Love,

Emma x