Anxiety

So after my insecurities post I had a lot of people message me about how they could relate, and then yesterday I had a really anxious day and so wanted to sort of ramble about how that affects me and then if anyone else feels the same then they can know they aren't alone and can always message me or whatever!

At the minute I have quite a lot going on, I feel like my life is going at 100 miles an hour and there's just no way to stop it. I don't feel entirely in control of my life, if that makes any sense. Which really makes me feel anxious. I'm one of those people who has to know what's going to happen and when, I need to be in total control of everything and know all of the details about things and how/when they will happen. If not, I start to panic. I really struggle to do things spontaneously because I over analyse everything. Literally, everything. Like tiny things, like when I should go to the bathroom, or where I should sit in class, or if I should text someone, or what time I should get in bed. It is that ridiculous.

I get all of these anxious feelings when I'm doing new things or planning things or doing spontaneous things. I start to feel all panicky and stressed and I can't think properly. I have to lay things out properly in my mind, like the order in which I'm going to do things in the day. Like today, I know I'm going to get up and ready, go to uni, then meet my friend after uni for food and then come home. And that's fine, but if anything suddenly changes or if say my uni room changed I'd just panic. I had an options meeting at uni the other day and it was in a room and building I'd never been in or heard of so I immediately decided I couldn't go. It makes me feel so stupid and petty but I'd rather miss things than go through the stress of it. Being around a lot of new people gets me panicking too, I feel so claustrophobic and alone and it does prevent me from doing things that would mean I'm out of my comfort zone.

I don't know exactly why I'm this way, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, but it really frustrates me, I feel like it does hold me back at times. I feel like if I could be more spontaneous that life would be way easier and that I would have done way more with my life by now and taken part it many more things. Knowing that gets me really annoyed at myself but I don't really know what to do about it. I have improved, I'd never do anything by myself a few years ago, so going to uni alone was a huge step for me. I'd never go to shops alone or anything like that so now that I can do that (admittedly with a lot of panicking and anxiety) it's a big step!

So basically, that's another part of me poured out on here! I don't know if I sound like a complete nutter or if other people feel the same, but it's just been something affecting me slightly more than usual recently so I thought I'd just have a ramble. Like I said, if anyone feels the same and wants a chat, feel free to message me!

Love,
Emma x