Insecurities

Yet again it's late at night and my brain is overthinking rapidly and about a hundred things are whirring round my brain at once. I've been thinking about the things that impact my life most and what holds me back. I came to the conclusion that the one thing that restricts me more than anything else is my insecurities.

I'm not sure when I became so insecure if I'm honest, but now I can't do anything without considering what other people might think of me and how I'll be perceived by others. From the tiniest of things to the biggest of things. Should I eat this chocolate bar? What if people think I'm fat. Should I wear this dress? What if people think I'm a slag. Should I go to uni? What if I fail. Should I tell this person how I feel? They'll probably just reject me. Just a few examples of the thoughts that consume my mind constantly. It really frustrates me that I don't feel comfortable being myself because I'm so caught up in what other people might think. This blog for example, it took me ages to actually start it up because I repeatedly knocked myself back with terrifying thoughts of judgment and torment from others. I have no idea why I care so much what other people think, I suppose I just lack in confidence.

I also don't really like myself that much. I'm not sure if that makes sense or how many other people feel the same about themsekves, but I really don't. I could sit for hours and pick at every single one of my flaws, be it my appearance or personality. I constantly want to change aspects of myself and be a better version of who I am now. I want to hold all of the admirable traits of personality and to have all of the beauty. But it just isn't realistic. What frustrates me most is that once I feel slightly more comfortable with a certain part of me, something always seems to come along and knock it back. Or things grt brought up that I'd never even thought of before. Like I once got told I have an ugly laugh and someone else agreed, and now I often catch myself mid-laugh and think of that moment and instantly stop laughing. I can't even laugh without feeling insecure, how ridiculous is that?

See, I know how ridiculous I'm being, but it doesn't change a thing. I still don't feel comfortable or confident in myself. All I want is to feel content with who I am and how I look. I just want to feel like I can walk into a room of strangers without thinking that they're ripping me to pieces in their head. I suppose I'm really writing this in the hopes that one day I can look back and know that I am content with myself and be glad that this is in the past. But right now I see no end to it. I just overthink and overthink and overthink. It's draining, it really is. I imagine other people feel this way too, so just know you aren't alone! Fingers crossed I can change this crippling part of myself somehow... Wish me luck.

Love,
Emma x