Forcing Yourself to Get Back Up

I've been pretty absent for my blog for a couple of weeks. I've been having a bit of a rough time, if I'm being totally honest. Whether it's uni getting on top of me or just general stuff getting me down, I haven't felt myself and I've had many 'wobbles', to the point where I considered dropping out of uni and just giving up. It's taken me a while and I'm still not feeling too great but I've managed to straighten my head out a little and put things in some perspective. I managed to pick myself up, rather, I forced myself to get back up. So I thought I'd try and maybe give some 'advice' about what works for me when I'm having a rough time.

Don't be afraid to receive help. This has been such a tough thing for me. I'm a hugely independent person and hate the thought of being a burden to anyone else. But after a lot of deliberation and having to force myself to accept help, I strongly advise anyone who's feeling overwhelmed or worried or stressed to embrace any kind of support you can. I'm getting some extra support from university and stuff and as stupid and time-wasting I felt at the time, I soon realised that it was the right thing to do and that a lot of other people do it too! So basically, whether it's going to a family member, friend, doctor, teacher or just anyone who can help, I really recommend it, because it does take a huge strain off.  And also, if you do see a doctor, you may find out that there is something that causes you to feel this way, such as depression, anxiety etc. which isn't your fault and then you can get the suitable help to make things feel better.

Keep yourself focused and busy. This might not help all people but for me it has really helped to have something to focus on and keep my mind busy with. So I'm getting a head start on my university work and I'm also doing a lot of volunteering with charities, Scouting and school. I just want to keep my head down and not let myself have the time to dwell on the stuff that gets me down. I'm notorious for letting myself overthink and let myself become sort of overwhelmed by things that make me stressed, panicked or upset. So, I'm trying to not let myself have the time to do that!

Accept that things aren't ever going to be perfect. Okay, so this doesn't seem like a positive thing to do, I know that, but it's realistic. There is always going to be something in your life that isn't the way you want it, be that your grades, your job, your friends, your relationship, whatever. It doesn't mean that you should be unhappy all because your life isn't this 'picture perfect' situation. I'm a serious perfectionist and want things to be a certain way all the time, but I'm learning to accept that sometimes things just happen and you can't do anything about it.

Do what you want to do and follow your heart. I place emphasis on the you in this, because at the end of the day you do only have one life and to spend it doing things you don't want to do is such a waste. You can't spend your life doing things to please other people or because it's considered the right thing to do. If you want to go to uni, or to get a job, or to travel, or to get married, or to have kids, just do it. Do what makes you happy and try your best not to think of what others may have to say about it. As I've said before, the thought of looking back in however many years and regretting the life I have terrifies me, so I want to do things I'm proud of and can remember fondly.

Let go of people who don't benefit your life. We all grow out of friendships and relationships and we shouldn't be afraid to admit that. If you've been there for someone all of the time and try so hard with them yet you receive nothing back then it's okay to say 'you know what, I'm not trying anymore.' If you're going through a rough time then the last thing you need is people who no longer serve you or support you in your life. All kinds of relationships work two ways, and if that no longer applies then you have the right to walk away. Do what's best for you.

I'm no advice guru and I only have my own personal experiences to draw on from my short 20 years of life, but if this can help even one person then that's enough for me. I just want people to know they aren't alone and that it's okay to admit that you aren't okay. As I've mentioned before, I'm always happy to chat to anyone if they want to send me a message or whatever. If I can help, I will. I'm hoping things will start to look up now, it's a slow process but I'm trying.

Love,

Emma x

Insecurities

Yet again it's late at night and my brain is overthinking rapidly and about a hundred things are whirring round my brain at once. I've been thinking about the things that impact my life most and what holds me back. I came to the conclusion that the one thing that restricts me more than anything else is my insecurities.

I'm not sure when I became so insecure if I'm honest, but now I can't do anything without considering what other people might think of me and how I'll be perceived by others. From the tiniest of things to the biggest of things. Should I eat this chocolate bar? What if people think I'm fat. Should I wear this dress? What if people think I'm a slag. Should I go to uni? What if I fail. Should I tell this person how I feel? They'll probably just reject me. Just a few examples of the thoughts that consume my mind constantly. It really frustrates me that I don't feel comfortable being myself because I'm so caught up in what other people might think. This blog for example, it took me ages to actually start it up because I repeatedly knocked myself back with terrifying thoughts of judgment and torment from others. I have no idea why I care so much what other people think, I suppose I just lack in confidence.

I also don't really like myself that much. I'm not sure if that makes sense or how many other people feel the same about themsekves, but I really don't. I could sit for hours and pick at every single one of my flaws, be it my appearance or personality. I constantly want to change aspects of myself and be a better version of who I am now. I want to hold all of the admirable traits of personality and to have all of the beauty. But it just isn't realistic. What frustrates me most is that once I feel slightly more comfortable with a certain part of me, something always seems to come along and knock it back. Or things grt brought up that I'd never even thought of before. Like I once got told I have an ugly laugh and someone else agreed, and now I often catch myself mid-laugh and think of that moment and instantly stop laughing. I can't even laugh without feeling insecure, how ridiculous is that?

See, I know how ridiculous I'm being, but it doesn't change a thing. I still don't feel comfortable or confident in myself. All I want is to feel content with who I am and how I look. I just want to feel like I can walk into a room of strangers without thinking that they're ripping me to pieces in their head. I suppose I'm really writing this in the hopes that one day I can look back and know that I am content with myself and be glad that this is in the past. But right now I see no end to it. I just overthink and overthink and overthink. It's draining, it really is. I imagine other people feel this way too, so just know you aren't alone! Fingers crossed I can change this crippling part of myself somehow... Wish me luck.

Love,
Emma x