Loving Yourself

Okay, so a little background before I get into the main reason I was inspired to write this post. Basically, I'm one of those people that kind of struggles to 'love myself'. I'm a perfectionist, I like everything to be spot on with no flaws whatsoever. That obviously comes as a problem in life, because things aren't always perfect, least of all ourselves. There will always be that hair out of place, or spot on your face (unintentional rhyming..), or that bit of chub where you wish there wasn't a bit of chub. We can all relate to that, I'm sure. The biggest struggle I've had is accepting that these 'flaws' are actually part of me and instead of disregarding them as imperfections and faults I should actually embrace them and say to myself 'you know what, no one is perfect, least of all myself, and that's okay.' Because after all, it is okay, no matter what anyone may say.

By saying that I struggle to love myself doesn't mean that I spend every single day hating every single aspect of myself. That isn't true. I may not necessarily like certain parts of myself, but that changes day to day. Some days you feel good about yourself, others you don't, that's just life. I'm certain that applies to most, if not every, person. 'Selfies' are big problems in regards to this. Just because you take pictures of yourself and post them on social media doesn't mean you think you're drop dead gorgeous. For all you know that person could have spent ages taking and editing photos to get one they're happy with, I know a close friend of mine does that, and even then she might not even upload them. Just because someone posts photos of themselves doesn't mean they don't have insecurities or aren't self conscious about aspects of themselves. Whether they do or not, it should be considered admirable that they have had the confidence to post a picture of themselves, despite whatever problems they might have with their appearance. And let's face it, they are a confidence boost more than anything. If you get likes or positive comments on pictures of yourself you are obviously going to feel better about yourself, and even though you really shouldn't base how you feel about yourself upon what others think of you, we all do. But I am a strong believer that we should still try and love ourselves regardless of our flaws and regardless of what others think of us.

Now, on to the reason I wrote this post. I was scrolling through Instagram in my half asleep state this morning in bed and was pleasantly surprised by a post that one of my friends from school wrote. This was the post:

I spoke to Laura and asked if I could use this, and her Instagram name is up there so go give her a follow, she posts a lot of good stuff, especially if you're trying to get fit! Laura is a seriously beautiful girl, anyone can tell you that, and it is such a breath of fresh air to see someone embracing the idea that you should love yourself and only change yourself based on that self love. Having known Laura for 16 years I know that she hasn't always viewed things that way and seeing this was such a motivating and inspiring experience. As she said to me, going to the gym clears her mind and consequently makes her feel better inside and out. I think that is an amazing way to look at exercise and getting fit and healthy. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Do it because you love yourself and because it makes you happy. Not because someone called you fat, or because someone said you're ugly or unmotivated or not good enough. Reading this made me realise that if you love yourself then what anyone else thinks of you is irrelevant, it's background noise. 

The fact that someone, no matter how long it may take, is actively realising that the only way to be truly happy is by embracing your 'flaws' is amazing! I could definitely learn a thing or two from this way of looking at yourself and I think many other people could too, and that's why I wanted to share it. Too many people, including myself and no doubt Laura, have spent too much time picking at ourselves and covering up the things we dislike about ourselves. It isn't easy, by any means, but I really do agree with Laura and I think that we should all try to love ourselves, inside and out.

Thank you Laura!

Love,

Emma x

Anxiety

So after my insecurities post I had a lot of people message me about how they could relate, and then yesterday I had a really anxious day and so wanted to sort of ramble about how that affects me and then if anyone else feels the same then they can know they aren't alone and can always message me or whatever!

At the minute I have quite a lot going on, I feel like my life is going at 100 miles an hour and there's just no way to stop it. I don't feel entirely in control of my life, if that makes any sense. Which really makes me feel anxious. I'm one of those people who has to know what's going to happen and when, I need to be in total control of everything and know all of the details about things and how/when they will happen. If not, I start to panic. I really struggle to do things spontaneously because I over analyse everything. Literally, everything. Like tiny things, like when I should go to the bathroom, or where I should sit in class, or if I should text someone, or what time I should get in bed. It is that ridiculous.

I get all of these anxious feelings when I'm doing new things or planning things or doing spontaneous things. I start to feel all panicky and stressed and I can't think properly. I have to lay things out properly in my mind, like the order in which I'm going to do things in the day. Like today, I know I'm going to get up and ready, go to uni, then meet my friend after uni for food and then come home. And that's fine, but if anything suddenly changes or if say my uni room changed I'd just panic. I had an options meeting at uni the other day and it was in a room and building I'd never been in or heard of so I immediately decided I couldn't go. It makes me feel so stupid and petty but I'd rather miss things than go through the stress of it. Being around a lot of new people gets me panicking too, I feel so claustrophobic and alone and it does prevent me from doing things that would mean I'm out of my comfort zone.

I don't know exactly why I'm this way, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this, but it really frustrates me, I feel like it does hold me back at times. I feel like if I could be more spontaneous that life would be way easier and that I would have done way more with my life by now and taken part it many more things. Knowing that gets me really annoyed at myself but I don't really know what to do about it. I have improved, I'd never do anything by myself a few years ago, so going to uni alone was a huge step for me. I'd never go to shops alone or anything like that so now that I can do that (admittedly with a lot of panicking and anxiety) it's a big step!

So basically, that's another part of me poured out on here! I don't know if I sound like a complete nutter or if other people feel the same, but it's just been something affecting me slightly more than usual recently so I thought I'd just have a ramble. Like I said, if anyone feels the same and wants a chat, feel free to message me!

Love,
Emma x

Insecurities

Yet again it's late at night and my brain is overthinking rapidly and about a hundred things are whirring round my brain at once. I've been thinking about the things that impact my life most and what holds me back. I came to the conclusion that the one thing that restricts me more than anything else is my insecurities.

I'm not sure when I became so insecure if I'm honest, but now I can't do anything without considering what other people might think of me and how I'll be perceived by others. From the tiniest of things to the biggest of things. Should I eat this chocolate bar? What if people think I'm fat. Should I wear this dress? What if people think I'm a slag. Should I go to uni? What if I fail. Should I tell this person how I feel? They'll probably just reject me. Just a few examples of the thoughts that consume my mind constantly. It really frustrates me that I don't feel comfortable being myself because I'm so caught up in what other people might think. This blog for example, it took me ages to actually start it up because I repeatedly knocked myself back with terrifying thoughts of judgment and torment from others. I have no idea why I care so much what other people think, I suppose I just lack in confidence.

I also don't really like myself that much. I'm not sure if that makes sense or how many other people feel the same about themsekves, but I really don't. I could sit for hours and pick at every single one of my flaws, be it my appearance or personality. I constantly want to change aspects of myself and be a better version of who I am now. I want to hold all of the admirable traits of personality and to have all of the beauty. But it just isn't realistic. What frustrates me most is that once I feel slightly more comfortable with a certain part of me, something always seems to come along and knock it back. Or things grt brought up that I'd never even thought of before. Like I once got told I have an ugly laugh and someone else agreed, and now I often catch myself mid-laugh and think of that moment and instantly stop laughing. I can't even laugh without feeling insecure, how ridiculous is that?

See, I know how ridiculous I'm being, but it doesn't change a thing. I still don't feel comfortable or confident in myself. All I want is to feel content with who I am and how I look. I just want to feel like I can walk into a room of strangers without thinking that they're ripping me to pieces in their head. I suppose I'm really writing this in the hopes that one day I can look back and know that I am content with myself and be glad that this is in the past. But right now I see no end to it. I just overthink and overthink and overthink. It's draining, it really is. I imagine other people feel this way too, so just know you aren't alone! Fingers crossed I can change this crippling part of myself somehow... Wish me luck.

Love,
Emma x

Being Selfish

I think one of the things I've found hardest about 'growing up' is knowing that at times I have to ultimately be selfish and do what's best for me. All through life we're told to treat others as we would like to be treated and to be kind to others and make them feel good. But what if we spend too much time concentrating on trying to please everyone else and end up feeling unsatisfied ourselves? That's kind of how I've felt over the past year.

As I mentioned in my fears post, I am really scared of looking back and regretting not doing things whilst I had the chance. I'm scared that I'm going to look back and realise I've spent too much time doing things to make other people happy rather than myself. I understand now that a lot of the unhappiness I've experienced has been due to the fact that I've been disregarding the importance of my own desires. It is impossible to please everybody. No matter what someone always seems to have a complaint or something to criticise you for. My answer to that as of late has been that if you can't please everybody you might as well please yourself.

I consider myself an ambitious person. I have a busy life at the best of times with all of the things I keep myself occupied with. I want to go far in life, I want to help people, I want to travel, I want to experience so many things and feel satisfied with what I have achieved in life. I know for a fact I'll be devastated if in 20 years I look back and I'm still stuck in Rossendale valley and haven't done anything I want to. That's why I kind of feel like I need to seize the day and do what is right for me.

Yet I constantly come back to the fact that it makes me feel selfish. Disregarding other people's feelings in favour of my own is something that makes me feel uncomfortable, despite knowing sometimes it has to be done. I really want to make something of myself, I want to be proud of myself. Right now, I can't say I'm overly proud of anything I've achieved. Maybe my self expectations are too high and I know for a fact that I am the biggest critic of myself out of anyone, but that's for another post. I just want to feel satisfied with my life. Is that so much to ask for?

I didn't really mean for this to turn into a negative post, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it all confuses me so much. I thought writing it down might make it a bit clearer for me, but it probably just seems like a load of meaningless nonsense. I don't know. I'll try and write a better post next time.

Love,
Emma x